Beyond the Myths of Coping with Loss: Prevailing Assumptions Versus Scientific Evidence

The death of a loved one is a ubiquitous human experience and is often regarded as a serious threat to health and well-being. Coming to terms with personal loss is considered to be an important part of successful adult development (Baltes & Skrotzki, 1995). In this chapter, we draw from our own research and that of others to explore how people are affected by the death of a loved one. In our judgment, such losses provide an excellent arena in which to study basic processes of stress and adaptation to change. Unlike many stressful life experiences, bereavement cannot be altered by the coping efforts of survivors. Indeed, the major coping task faced by the bereaved is to reconcile themselves to a situation that cannot be changed and find a way to carry on with their own lives. By learning more about how people react to a loved one’s death, and how they come to terms with what has happened, we can begin to clarify the theoretical mechanisms through which major losses can have deleterious effects on subsequent mental and physical health. In our judgment, one of the most fascinating things about studying bereavement is the extraordinary variability that has been found regarding how people react to the death of a loved one. Some people are devastated and never again regain their psychological equilibrium; others emerge from the loss relatively unscathed and perhaps even strengthened (Elison & McGonigle, 2003; Parkes & Weiss, 1983). Yet at this point, we know relatively little about the diverse ways that people respond to the loss of a loved one, and why some people react with intense and prolonged distress while others do not. Do people who have the most rewarding and satisfying relationships with their loved one suffer the most following the loved one’s death? Or is it those with conflictual or ambivalent relationships who experience the most distress following the loss of a loved one, as clinicians have frequently argued (see, e.g., Freud, 1917/1957; Parkes & Weiss, 1983; Rando, 1993). Among those who fail to show distress following the loss, is this best understood as denial, lack of attachment, or resilience in the face of loss?